When you approach someone to resolve a conflict, you first have to confess your part of the problem. Then, you need to listen for the other person’s hurt and perspective.

We think we argue over ideas. But we actually argue over emotions. Anytime there is conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt. Somebody felt abused. Somebody felt slighted. It’s not the ideas that cause the conflict. It’s the emotions behind the idea. 

Hurt people hurt people. The more people are hurting, the more they lash out at everybody else. People who aren’t hurting don’t hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving toward others. People who are filled with peace are at peace with everybody else. But people who are hurting inside are going to hurt others. They’re going to lash out.

If you want to be a good salesman, you don’t start with your product. If you want to be a good professor or pastor—if you want to connect with others in any way—then you must start with people’s needs, hurts, and interests.

Philippians 2:4-5 says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT).

Are you often so busy trying to get the people you’re in conflict with to see your position that you’re not listening to their position? You’re too busy speaking and not listening and, as a result, you move further and further away.

You need to shift your focus from your needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way you look at the situation. The word “look” in Philippians 2:4 is the Greek word scopos. It’s where we get the words “microscope” and “telescope.”

Scopos means to focus. Your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ. And you are most like Jesus when you’re focusing more on the hurts of somebody else than your own hurt.

There’s an old saying that goes like this: “Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.” When you’re focused on the needs of the other person and not your own, you’ll grow in compassion and grace and have a better understanding of the situation. Then you can move forward with resolving your conflict.