The Real Reason We Argue

When you meet someone to resolve a conflict, you first have to confess your part of the problem. Then, you need to listen for the other person’s hurt and perspective.

We think we argue over ideas. But we actually argue over emotion. Anytime there’s a conflict, someone’s feelings were hurt. Somebody felt abused. Somebody felt slighted. It’s not the idea that causes the conflict. It’s the emotion behind the idea.

Hurt people hurt people. The more people are hurting, the more they lash out at everybody else. People who aren’t hurting don’t hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving toward others. People who are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who are filled with peace are at peace with everybody else. But people who are hurting inside are going to hurt others. They’re going to lash out.

If you want to connect with people, you must start with their needs, their hurts, and their interests. If you want to be a good salesperson, you don’t start with your product. You start with your customer’s need, hurts, and interests. If you want to be a good professor or pastor or anything else, you start with people’s needs, hurts, and interests.

Philippians 2:4-5 says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT).

Are you often so busy trying to get the people you’re in conflict with to see your position that you’re not listening to theirs? You’re too busy speaking and not listening, so you move further and further away.

You need to intentionally switch your focus from your needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way you look at the situation. The word “look” in Philippians 2:4 is the Greek word scopos. It’s where we get our words “microscope” and “telescope.”

Scopos means to focus. The next verse says your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ. You are most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own.

There’s an old Proverb that says, “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” When you’re focused on the other person’s needs and not your own, you’ll be able to get a better understanding of the situation and move forward with resolving your conflict.