Choose Gentleness, Not Defensiveness

Have you noticed that human beings have a tendency to mimic other people’s emotions—especially if we’re sitting right across the table from them? The reason we do this is because of mirror neurons in our brains that allow us to sympathize and to mirror what other people feel.

For instance, if somebody gets angry with you, you get angry back. If somebody is really miserable and you hang around that person long enough, you get miserable, too.

In the same way, when people raise their voice against you, you usually raise your voice back. Then they raise their voice higher. Then you raise your voice higher. Then pretty soon things have escalated, and your emotions are out of control.

The Bible says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV).

Let me give you a little tip that will save you a lot of heartache and conflict: When other people raise their voice, lower yours—in your marriage, in your parenting, in your friendships, and at work. That’s called strength under control.

Gentleness defuses conflict. It de-escalates anger.

Here’s a good verse you’re going to need someday—maybe even this week. Ecclesiastes 10:4 says, “If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit! A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes” (NLT).

When your boss rips into you or your spouse speaks loudly in anger, you need to realize it may not have anything to do with you. Instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness. Let your gentle answer disarm the other person and defuse the situation.